Resentment

General sentiment

When I walked in, the kitchen wasn't clean and I sighed inwardly. Before I'd got angry, now I was just apathetic.

Complaints about chore board

Our best attempt at sorting the housework had been to write a list of tasks and stick it up on the fridge. But then he got quite carried away at the competition. 'Look how many crosses I've got! he said. 'I've done far more washing than you this week.' 'Great' I said inwardly seething. Should I have bought some gold stars for him?

Because I had never asked for or needed praise for cleaning out the fridge. It's not like it was a great achievement. It was just part and parcel of running a house. Nor had I felt the need to tell him how many times I had cleaned it. I wasn't like 'Darling I've cleaned the fridge ten times this month! Aren't you impressed?

Attempted solutions

Pre-agreed scheduling

We'd agreed you see. I was in charge of the cooking and he was in charge of cleaning up afterwards.

Maid

We got a cleaner [..] the cleaner replaced ALL cleaning. He did none, and I was damned if I was going to do any if he didn't.

Chore board

Our best attempt at sorting the housework had been to write a list of tasks and stick it up on the fridge.

False consent

But Mr Nice Guy was unable to assert himself which meant there was no way of getting what he needed. Instead he developed a strategy. He learned that the BEST way to get his way, was through indirect inaction. It was the path of least resistance. The easy way out. He didn't want to do the housework, but he agreed to do it because if he didn't, it would cause a fight. Then he 'forgot' to do it, because he knew that eventually I would stop nagging him to do it and he would get out of it.

But you act like a child. You don't keep your agreements.

suspecting these were not true consent but simply agreeing to make brow beating stop with no intention of following through. this is absolutely a problem (on both of them really, though the male should have just been honest in saying "no.")

Dysfunctional, manipulative relationship

The relationship did not have stated stipulations and schedules that were agreed upon. Avoidance strategies were used leading to male passive aggression and female resentment.

The bottom line is this. Housework is one of those necessary evils. It has to be done even if the amount is negotiable. So negotiate about it. Argue about it. Decide on what you are and are not willing to put up with, for your sake and for the sake of the relationship. It should be the level you can take without resentment. Then stick to it. Because (even) worse than doing housework is seeing what was once a loving relationship break up because you were both afraid to face that negotiation in the first place.

I left because our argument was characteristic of how we operated together. Two people who were seemingly unable conduct a relationship without falling into manipulative passive-aggressive communication strategies.